Oh S&*t!!

Allen, Kai and I went out to eat for brunch at Cindy's New York Deli in Dallas. (Thanks for the rec Sharon) It was delicious! However, I will remember this place not for the food, but for the lovely experience Kai and I got to share in the restroom together.

Kai was sitting on Allen lap as we were waiting for our food to be delivered to the table. Just as the waitress was placing the plates on the table, Allen got a look of terror on his face. Kai, being the punctual baby he is, had managed to poop his pants right as the food came out. I volunteered to go to the restroom and change him. (Nice of me, huh?) As I took Kai from Allen, the super poop began to seep through the back of my baby’s onesie. It didn’t go out the bottom of the diaper as gravity would suggest….no, it went out the top and all up my poor baby’s back. Now, keep in mind, we are at a restaurant where people are eating and trying to enjoy a nice lunch with their families….not get a s&*t show at brunch. So I grabbed a napkin, tried to cover the poop that was quickly spreading up to his neck rolls and hauled a$$ to the bathroom.

Whew! I had made it…unfortunately, the changing table was right at the front of the restroom so when you walked in you got a full show of my baby’s privates. I’m holding Kai on my hip and with one hand was trying to prepare the changing table for the mess that was about to occur. I got the changing pad down and laid Kai on it. A overly enthusiastic lady came in and put her face about 3 inches from Kai’s and starting making some sort of high pitched clicking noise. Maybe she thought he was a dolphin or something, but until this point he was just fine. As soon as the dolphin lady starting trying to communicate with him he freaked out and started screaming at the top of his lungs. So now I not only have a fully clothed poop baby, he is now turning purple and screaming bloody murder.

Super.

As soon as everyone was in a stall I made a move, unsnapped the onesie and took the diaper off. This was the worst s&*t I had ever seen in my life. I tried to clean off as much as I could but it seemed like the more I cleaned, the worse it got. There was poop running off the changing table onto the floor, all over my hands and arms. I just kept praying that no one would open the door and see the mess we were making.

(Please note, I have never changed a diaper in my life until approximately 100 days ago.)

Once I got the bottom part under control, I studied the onesie to try and figure out how to get it off without smearing the crap all over his face. Nothing was coming to me and my new mommy brain, so I just yanked it over his head and stuck it on the growing pile of dirty wipes on the changing table. I’m pretty sure I’ve never seen something like this before in my life. Pre-mommy if I would have walked in and saw a changing table covered in poop, screaming naked baby, pile of dirty wipes I would have probably ran out in disgust and said something mean under my breath.

Today I am THAT person.

At this point my baby has s&*t on his face, in his hair all over his back, between his toes and it’s all over me. Kai has started rolling recently so he was moving his fat body like a rolling pin and managing to make it even worse. I was pretty close to just sticking him in the sink when a lady walked in with her quiet and clean baby and said…”Oh I remember those days”. Kill me. After about one more minute and 500 more wipes I got Kai cleaned off and a new set of clothes on. All the while I was praying I wouldn’t see anyone I knew or worked with. I picked Kai up and he stopped crying like nothing happened. I washed my arms grabbed the diaper bag and went back to the table. I ate the rest of my meal not making eye contact with anyone and in totally embarrassment. How in the hell are you supposed to get a onesie off without getting crap all over your baby?!?!? Seems impossible to me. Anyway, we made it out to the car without any more issues. As I was strapping Kai in his car seat, I went down to give him a kiss and realized there was something on his eyelid.

S&*t.